This year... was a long one.
At the beginning of last year, while physically I was not much different from how I am now (something I plan to correct in 2019), I was mentally at a very different place. I was just finishing college, and experiencing the hurdles of that "final" chapter.
What has happened to me from that space until now seems... amazing, looking back. We shut down our business. River converted to being at home full time with Hatchling and Eggbreaker. I remember starting off thinking I would get so much done this year.. and I did. Most of it, though, was highly unexpected, and for the most part an attempt to limp forward.
I taught. I started this blog. I graduated. I participated in the teacher walkout. I screamed in the Oklahoma Capitol building until I was hoarse. I yelled at students and lot my temper. I did research with them. I spent many nights enjoying D&D with friends, and even finally began a campaign. I found out how far a dollar can truly stretch after being jobless throughout the summer, and found out how much further those dollars stretch when they only come in minimal amounts every two weeks. I finally relented philosophically and joined the Democratic Socialists of America, who I feel have, if not all the answers, at least the right ideas about how to solve our problems. I got hired at one of the most amazing jobs I could ask for, and since I have started teaching middle school I have been trying to keep up with the surge that is the life of a first year teacher.
That doesn't even cover the fights, the sleepless nights, the sicknesses, the mourning of passing pets, the many roads I have traveled in my mind in my desperate attempt to make the transition from a person trying to reach a goal (graduating and getting a job) to a person who has now reached that goal and now has to find his way. It doesn't cover the pains River and the kiddos have experienced. It doesn't cover even a quarter of the experiences we had this year.
All in all... in many ways, 2018 was the worst year I have had yet. I fell behind on my mortgage, my car payment. I struggled to keep my sanity.
In other ways, it was the best year. I finally graduated and got a stable income to provide for my family. I started writing again. The relationships I have with the people I want to have them with are, I think, mostly excellent.
I think I'm going into 2019 with hope. A bit of anxiety, surely. I think it's crazy how when we are young we assume that age will bring confidence, when in fact the opposite seems to prove true more and more. I want my babies to be safe this year, I want River to be happy... I want so many things.
I don't know what I'm going to achieve this year, or what I will fail in. I know I will do both of those: achieve success and admit failure. I know this year will not be perfect, will not even be what I imagined it to be. Looking back over my life, no year has been. I know, though, that I'm going into it with my eyes wide open. I'm going to walk into 2019 ready to experience, to be changed. Yeah, a little of that is fear, but mostly I want to feel alive, feel as though the 29th revolution on this orb can create some meaning in the swimming chemicals in my brain.
I hope you all will join me.
