Memes

Or, "On The Efficacy of Communicating Via Pictorial Representations of Our Emotions."

Hey all.

You probably have not read this blog. If you have, welcome back. If you have not, you probably are either a) a Facebook friend, b) a Twitter follower, or c) someone who stumbled over this randomly, and are now confused as to why you are reading some dude rambling on about things.

If it's any of those, the real quick rundown about me is: veteran, father, husband, teacher, guy who rants about things. See, wasn't that easy?

I find it easier to express myself like this:

(Even that's not really true, though, because I cropped the image. But hey, now you know what I look like! I'm the dude with the beard, if it isn't obvious, and that pretty lady next to me is my wife, who you will henceforth know as River. It's a long story.)

Anyway, what got me thinking about this was, when I posted about reinvigorating this blog (for a variety of reasons that even I am not really clear on/haven't figured out yet) on Facebook, thinking about deeply insightful, meaningful things, I got this:


via GIPHY

And this:


via GIPHY

Got this too:


via GIPHY

Even got this:


via GIPHY

At first, I won't lie, I was irritated. If you know me, you know why: I take myself way too seriously. Even though I'm pretty sure I've won some internet meme wars in the past. But this is the restart of my blog. Here's how I saw it going in my head:


via GIPHY

Then these images got me thinking about some really serious stuff (probably because I've been listening to this lately, which by the way I highly recommend: https://twitter.com/anthroreviewed?lang=en) like how, for most of human history, we have this weird dichotomy where people express themselves mainly through visual means, yet it was only "civilized" nations that wrote things down. It got me thinking about letters that colonists and frontiersman wrote home to their families, how they had to spend sentences describing the land and how they got sick from food poisoning and how hard it was to travel, and nowadays I can send a cat GIF to River, and she knows exactly how I'm feeling and in what context and what that means for how the night is going to go.

My point here, as I ramble on (and as I have struggled to figure out how to embed GIFs, which is a lot easier than I assumed it would be) is that we are so saturated with images, yet for some reason people like me (or maybe, really, just me) value the written word. When I posted about ideas for restarting this thing, I was expecting:

"Talk about the Trump presidency!"

"Describe 50 things you did today!"

"Discuss your philosophy about how the world should be xyz way!"

But that's pompous of me to assume, because in the end my friends posting memes is exactly what I needed, because as always they keep me grounded when my head is in the clouds.

So, I'm back. I'm going to write something every day. It might not be meaningful or insightful. It might just be posting a GIF. But my goal right now is to at least jot down some thoughts every day. I want to be an author (in case you didn't know) but I also have a lot of opinions and ideas and just plain rants. If you want to read it, fine. Great. It's not really for you, if you're actually someone reading this. It's really about using my voice, putting things down to be heard, but I will write as though I have an audience, because I think even a man shouting into the black emptiness of night should think about courtesy.

Speaking of courtesy, here are some images that show a being who has no sense of that word (oh yeah, I have two kids. They will most likely feature pretty prominently in this blog).








See you tomorrow.

My Daily Session

Tell me about what you're thinking, Eric.
I've been wondering as of late why I don't have a novel to my name. My good friend Chester has, in the past, urged me to write my story and get it out there in the world.

I've been stymied. I've had a couple ideas, but I'm not happy with them. I'm not exactly sure why.

I think a large part of the reason is that I am still way out of shape and overweight. Yeah, granted, I have knee pain (and it has been hurting more lately) but I really don't have an excuse anymore. I'm mostly healed. My body doesn't remember how to move, but that should not stop me. I weigh about 300 pounds, just a little over. And that's more than I have ever been. I've ate, drank, and been merry like a man who is not injured, and ignored the depths of my psyche. I've pushed it to the back of my subconscious, like a tiny box tucked away in a closet.

They say your body reflects your state of mind. That's kind of how I feel mentally. Bloated, lazy, not quite... ready yet.

Is it an excuse to say that I'm just waiting? Waiting until I get out of the army? Or have I developed a habit of waiting? Have I just used external factors as an excuse?

I'm not entirely sure. It's a hard poker hand to play. But, after I get out, I don't think I can afford to be lazy anymore.

But the weight isn't entirely it. Overweight I may be, but there's more to the story. One does not gain this much weight, exhibit the symptoms I have, and be just fine on the inside.

Funny how one can be so clear and yet so distorted. Like looking in a pool and seeing the bottom clearly but reaching down to grab a penny and it's not where you expected to be. I feel like I've been in a smoky room with a blindfold, and I have been trying to find a switch which I know is there but cannot find my way towards in the dark.

Not fun times, to be honest.

...

Some days, I feel like I am back at the start point. I feel like it is almost four years ago, and I don't know which way is up. I'm going to have to start over again, to keep breathing, keep moving.

But the emotion, that raw, deep seated unease is not there anymore. Somehow, along the road traveled these past years, I have gained... confidence? Self assurance?

Maybe I just got older. Realized I don't know everything there is to know in the universe. A hat tip to you, Captain, for setting me straight back then.

It all comes to bear.

I've come this far, and I am here for a reason. I must be. Life, existence, the very fabric of our universe, it rings with reason. Creator or no creator, angels or demons, simple math or spontaneous miracles, one cannot look at this and see it not having purpose. The decisions made, the situations survived, everything has led me to a point.

I have 6 days left in the army. I weigh 300+lbs. I have a baby on the way, and a wife who needs my support. I have to move cross country to a place I don't know and attempt to build a life at 22 years old.

Tell me, Eric, what are the emotions running through your soul at this moment?
Well, naturally, there is anxiety. Frustration. A certain amount of loss has me trapped; leaving the organization which has been my entire life for four years is no simple task. Hope, mingled with trepidation.

A very large amount of peace.

Maybe deep down somewhere there is some fear. But it's not very apparent to me. After being rocketed and shot at, after living with as much fear as I have the past four years... I have grown tired of fear. It doesn't work well for me anymore. Everyone feels fear, everyone experiences it, but I don't feel I have anything to fear from this situation.

Explain that.
Well... What is there to fear? That I won't be able to pay the bills? That I'll be shot on the street? That I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if I have made the right decisions?

I spend my entire life worrying about those things. They are constantly on my mind. You can't grow up and not worry about them; it's part of losing the innocence of childhood. You come to realize the world isn't made of blown sugar and marshmallows, but of cold mornings in the rain waiting for taxis to places you don't want to be and uncomfortable chairs in foul-smelling lecture halls, listening to briefings about how not to kill yourself. Endless parades of routine and inner demons, all the while just trying to find a bright ray of sunshine.

But it's also filled with the sun. And love. And laughter and wonder and hope. So why, on the eve of the most event-filled and biggest transition of my life, should I be afraid? Why, when I am getting my soul and my own life back, and really owning it for the first time in almost five years, should I be frightened?

Some would say that's one of the biggest reasons to be frightened. This is a very big change for you. Aren't you the least bit concerned that you might not make it?
...

 Aren't you?
Give me a moment, I have to think about that.

...
Well, no. Because I only have two options, don't I?

Which are?
I live and I do what I want to do with my life. I set out to achieve goals; succeed or fail, I live to do it.

Or I die.

And if I die, I don't have too much to be concerned about, do I?

That's a rather fatalist attitude.
Why shouldn't I have that? Haven't I been around enough life and death? Hasn't everyone?

I'm not judging, just stating. But being a fatalist is, forgive me, a cop-out in this situation. You have many more options here than live or die. Using that as your determiner is not exactly stable.
So what's your point?

My point is you have to admit to what you are feeling. There is a reason why you feel stymied, a reason why you feel anxious, a reason why you haven't written your novel. And that reason is...?
Fear.
Of what?
Of failure.
Aha. So I was right.
I guess.
So why couldn't you admit that to yourself a moment ago?
Because that would mean admitting that what I fear most isn't death or dying or my loved ones dying. It's admitting that what I fear the most is not living up to the ideals I want, the things I wish and hope for, and the very nature if what I feel I am inside. It would mean admitting the possibility that this string of failures I have had will continue.

It would mean really admitting I don't like where I am with my life, and admitting the possibility it could continue.

Eric, you've just admitted that to yourself.
I know.
Does that make you feel better?
No.
Why?
Because it's still an unknown. I simply do not have the relevant data. Until the 28th, when I arrive at my destination, I won't know whether I can begin to be a success or a failure. I won't know what to do until I have grasped the situation fully. So, for now, the only thing I can do is wait.
Will you obsess over what is to come?
No. But I won't be at ease with my situation. I won't be able to write or exercise or even really think about it.
Why?
Because if there is one thing the army taught me, it's that no plan survives first contact. Everything up to this point has been preparing for this move, for this shift in my life. Until that actually begins, I'm... stalled.
Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Yes. But it's who I am right now. It still feels as though the army is going to keep me, to deny me my freedom. Until I am in Oklahoma, I can't be sure there won't be a catastrophe. I can't know for sure.
Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Yes.
...
But it is where I am. It's why I don't have a novel, why I am overweight. It's why I wake up sweating, suffocated some nights. Everything I have is on the line. And until it is a reality, until I am in that other guy, in that car, driving away from the army, and headed to a new life... I'm still just this guy, waiting to be released.
I hope that guy will be more hopeful.
I hope that guy achieves his dreams.
I really hope he doesn't give in to the fears this guy sitting here has and approaches life with a better outlook. I hope he doesn't regret the things this guy has done and moves on with his life.
I hope he finds as much peace as this guy has with everything in his life, and finds even more peace, and embraces life. I hope he wakes up each day wishing for better adventures.
I hope he sleeps soundly at night, knowing that his life is his to risk, that his choices are the ones that will effect the outcomes in his life.
I hope that he always loves his wife and family as much as this guy does.
And I really hope he gets it, and lives life on his terms.
...
I guess we will see, won't we?

Young, Quick, and Full of Promise (Yes, I Stole This Title)

                My least favorite patient sprawled grotesquely on my couch today, on New Year's Eve, talking about his biggest fears for this New Year. 2012, he said, was full of too few ups and too many downs. Do you really think I care you had a mental breakdown on a cold Carmel beach? Is it so important how much weight you gained? Has it ever passed through your little mind that maybe every person out there had a work situation where they want to blow their brains out?

                Listening to you sickens me.

                Alas, it is my job. And while Mr. Dramatic regaled me with his tales of woe, I reflected. Perhaps he whines because he finds his life so important. Maybe it’s because he feels like he is in a crowded room, screaming at the top of his lungs, and no one is there to hear him.

                Maybe he’s just a loser.

                But none of those explanations will do. He pays me too well, and I will have to come up with something good, a creative solution to his problems. Maybe I’ll have him write a letter to himself.

                After a while, I tune him out. As the Good Doctor would say, he’s tedious. I open my eyes to the open fields of wheat, corn, and watermelons, with a storm brewing on the eastern front while the sun sets in the west. I breathe in (overriding the acrid scent of my patron’s body odor), and my brain registers only the dewy smell of the coming rain and the earthly aroma of nature’s bounty. Excited, I turn and begin to walk briskly toward my low sandstone temple. Red and gold speckles wink at me as the setting orb reflects a dazzling beauty of architecture. My bare feet feel the change from hard, packed dirt to soft, smooth stone. White marble circles the building, three rows around the entire structure, each a meter wide (yes, only three, must remember the details). Up the nine steps to the patio, my warm hand bouncing on the cold metal banister.

                “Everything just gets so damn hard, doc. Sometimes I just feel like it’s all not worth it…”

                “Now, let’s not talk that way. You know that isn’t true. Those feelings are just a cover for the problems really bothering you. List them out, tell me in detail. I won’t interrupt, I’ll just quietly listen. I’m here for you.”

                To the right of my rough-hewn oak doors hangs a sky-chair, so comfortable, hanging from the outcropping of the sandstone rotunda. I glance left and right at the wings of my home, marveling at the blending of modern architecture and ancient material. The 24 columns around the rotunda (only 12 of which are visible to me) are smooth and polished. Today, I am not destined to sit here and watch the moon rise, but I grasp the white marble handle and pull open my doors…

                Ah. I step inside, see my personal crest emblazoned on the floor. The room, empty for the moment, will be filled with statues at a later date. Here, I pause. If only my patient had some statues, some inner structures of self-confidence and deliberation.

                I walk to the center and turn right. My welcome room waits. I push open the near-invisible door, made from more white marble. My footsteps stop ringing across cold tile and stone, and I finally rest my sore feet on smooth carpet.

                My guest still talks on my office couch, a hard and cold leather monstrosity. I have a better one here.

                I stop and drink in the deep, rich bouquet of the ocean, baking bread, and my burning fire in the fireplace. On the far wall, the Son of Man stares at me from behind his apple. There used to be more art in this room, but I think my patient today has made it clear to me that focus and concise thinking are a goal here, not necessarily quantity.

                “So what do you think, Doctor? Do you think… do you think things will ever get better for me?”

                I glance over to my sitting area. My beautiful microfiber beige chaise lounge winks at me, begging me to bask in the comfort of its embrace. A tall glass, a blank notebook and a pen sit on a low black end table, different from my usual fiction novel. I chuckle silently; sometimes, I surprise myself. My parched mouth pleads to be satisfied by the cold drink on the coaster. I walk over the Persian rug on the floor, and lay down on my sofa, take a sip of my beverage, and pick up my pen and notebook.

                I close my eyes.

                Ah, Dave, you left us so quickly. Take Five truly is a wonderful piece of jazz.

                I open my eyes and look over at my poor, befuddled customer.

                His eyes glisten, moist but hopeful, looking to me for answers.

                Those blue eyes aren’t devoid of emotion. We aren’t looking at a cow here. Crude and foolish he may be, but I can’t turn my back on this man.

                “Yes, things will get better. I promise. We will just have to work at it. After all, it’s a new year, isn’t it?”

***

Happy New Year, everyone.

A Cup Of Cocoa, Some Disjointed Thoughts

Fallout 3 just simply is not working at this particular moment in time. Something about running through wastelands killing people is just... not cheering me up.

Which is strange, because it almost always does.

What does that say about me? I enjoy playing video games, all alone, wandering through wastelands or forests or cities and using weapons to kill the bad guys... And that is almost always the tack I take. I almost never play the bad guy. It just isn't in me. I can make the ambiguous decisions to get me ahead in the game, sure, but for some reason my morals always win out.

Even when I don't want them to do so.

Damn, this hot chocolate is good.

Watching reality television makes me want to run through the streets, screaming how awesome I am. These people literally make me sick.

I should be writing my book. Maybe this will do.

I've had a twitch in my eye for over a month and a half. I think it's connected with me being in the army, still. I want desperately to be out of limbo.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my service. I understand the sacrifice I made, how important it was, how I saved lives, how it made me stronger as a person, etc. It's not that. It's just... I have felt for some time that it is time to move on and see better things.

Images in my world have a strong tinge of gray right now (ha, unfortunately, that horrendous book has spoiled even the suggestion of that color), and it should not be that way. I am young, 22 years old, vibrant... I should *feel* much more than I do now. Yet, I feel... disconnected.

Is it due to my weight?

Is it due to my position?

A friend of mine told me to get in touch with my feelings and write about them. Is it just because I have not done so?

Whenever I try to actually get in touch, I tend to psych myself out. And give myself dialogues such as this. I feel as though I am sitting in an empty auditorium right now, and you all reading this aren't actually there. I'm just talking to myself. Which, granted, in the past has been effective.

Also, how do you fail high school? Seriously. How do you get anything below a C? You really have to try to do it, and that one would make the effort to do so boggles my mind.

Anyway, back to the point.

There are just so many things I want to do. I've tried listing them out, but it then just seems overwhelming. It's exhausting, really. I've spent years (literally, years) battling inner demons, trying to change not only the world around me, but the world inside. And for what? For the realization that objectivity is my most powerful tool...

Back up. Maybe it is that, right there.

I do feel disconnected, disjointed, just like this post. But maybe the reason for it is because... I finally found my answers. And now, without a reason to constantly battle things inside, I have simply grown stagnant...

A week is not long enough to change the minds of people, folks. It really is not. Whether it is a week for screw up kids, or two weeks for an entire family, people don't change overnight.

That relates to all this as well.

Leah's hair looks really good purple.

I keep wanting to develop a symphony, smooth and concise, but all I can wrestle from my mangled mind are a few screaming notes, flying desperately into the night, looking for an ear to fall on where they will strike a chord in the heart of someone who understands.

Wouldn't living in ignorance only be bliss up until the point where you realized there was more to the world than your backyard?

Or maybe that is why they live there? Because they can't see beyond their nose?

I'm great at solving problems, but distract myself from my own. Why?

This is a pretty good picture of how my mind is right now.

My wife is eating a lemon. And craving chalk. This baby is going to be so weird.

End of Leave. Sad Panda.

First off, I am watching The A-Team. Badass movie. If you are not tracking, WATCH IT AND CORRECT YOURSELF.

Also, I have a minor headache.

Sooo.... Leave. Yeeeeaaaaah. It was.... Long. Eventful. And for the most part just not relaxing.

I don't really have much to say on the matter beside this: I got to spend a lot of quality time with the love of my life, we got to see a bunch of crazy things together, and we had lots of bonding experiences.

I want a surround sound system for our apartment.

Okay, there really is nothing more I can blog right now. I go back to work tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited for it. But I have no idea what to expect. Yay, new adventures!

A Rant.

I am utterly aware I need to get up to date on my "30 Days Of Pictures" blogs. Believe me, it will be explained in further posts why I am so behind. However, because I am a passionate, busy, distracted man, I tend to get built up with emotion about things and then burst out in rants, which pretty much sound like "Ihateallyoufuckingpeoplewhyareyounotdeadyetgetoutofmywayandletmelivemylife!" Which is not the right answer. I do not enjoy being frustrated, but due to the world we live in, it happens all too often.
Now. I know I have posted rants before. Anyone who knows me knows I rage quite often at the stupidity of the human race. However, as of late I have begun to examine why I feel as though everyone is running around in a rat cage. Do I have a superiority complex? Am I arrogant and conceited? Do I simply suffer from an overactive imagination and an unclear view of how the world works? No, no, and no.
Did you know there is a simple system which allows us to examine a set of statements and determine whether they are valid? It is called logic. No, not reason, which I will get to in a moment, but logic. I have not realized I have not been using the term "logic" correctly until recently (when I started reading "Logic for Dummies"), and I now understand just why exactly my use of logic can help me to conclude why I am so frustrated at the world at large.
See, the majority of my problems lie in what are called unsound arguments. Wait...Whaaaat?? Let me explain.
1. An argument is basically a set of finite premises that lead to a related conclusion.
This is a valid argument.
Premises:-All men are mortal.
-Socrates is a man.
ConclusionSocrates is mortal.

This is an invalid argument.
Premises:-Socrates lived in Greece.
-If Socrates lived in Greece, then all primates are left-handed.
Conclusion:All animals are left handed.

As you can see, the premises and conclusion in an invalid argument have attempted to have a relation, but they do not. This is where the first problem arises. We can turn an invalid argument into a valid argument easy peasy:
Premises:-Socrates lived in Greece.
-All animals are primates.
-If Socrates lived in Greece, then all primates are left handed.
Conclusion:
All animals are left handed.

If you accept the premise and the conclusion follows the premise then the argument is valid. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THE ARGUMENT IS SOUND. An argument is sound only when the premises are factual, not just when you accept them to be factual. Therefore, we get such arguments as this:
Premises:-Science cannot explain everything in the Universe.
-If science cannot explain everything in the Universe, science is wrong.
-Science cannot explain God.
-God is the creator of the Heavens, Earth, and Everything Else. He is omnipotent and benevolent.
Conclusion:God exists, is benevolent, and omnipotent, and science is wrong.

THIS ARGUMENT IS NOT SOUND YET IT IS WIDELY ACCEPTED BY PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. Why, you ask? Because people want to believe it. People want to believe that there is a greater power watching over them, guiding their actions, protecting them and teaching them life lessons. And this is the crux of unsound arguments. People can, do, and will believe unsound arguments because if you accept the premise, and the conclusion logically follows the premises,  then the argument is valid. And most people stop their thought process right at that point because they believe that is all they need. My argument does not need to be sound, because I have faith and we don't all know God's plan.
This is where I begin to want to claw out my own eyes. People,  THINKING, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE, come to conclusions such as this. They believe that there comes a certain point where the only thing which guides you is a) faith, b) trust in a higher power, or c) the understanding that the Spaghetti Monster will bless us all with Parmesan cheese if we all just pray a lot. Exaggerations, of course, but reductio ad absurdum works here. I will grant you: no one is perfect. But, goddamnit, when did we stop trying to be? When did we just turn over our lives to whatever is the most prevalent power of the moment? See, because it manifests itself in every way:
-People don't trust the government, yet they still allow it to make decisions for them  
-People don't know anything about God, Allah, etc, but yet turn their lives over to them on a Daily Basis
-People don't trust other people (i.e. family) but yet allow them to run their lives and cause them massive amounts of grief

And on... and on... and on... and on....

They believe these things and act this way because society tells them this is how they must act. Extremely convoluted and basic causality chain: philosophers hundreds of years ago decide that everything is relative and we cannot tell what is real in life, so the woman who gets high all the time and nearly dies in a car wreck blames her lot in life on God, her family, and the government for not doing enough to help her get out of her bad habits and end her misery, then she teaches THAT to her four illegitimate children. Because society has told her not to believe in what is real, factual, and right in front of her eyes: it has told her that everything is relative, so why shouldn't her problems be everyone else's fault instead of her own failure to reason?

People are losing their reason. It is Reason which tells us whether a set of premises is sound. It is Reason which tells us we cannot run out into a busy street and stand still and still live because A FUCKING CAR WILL HIT YOU AND YOU WILL DIE. It is Reason which is allows us to analyze our world and interpret our surroundings. God does not do it for us. The government does not implant processing equipment into your brain so you can survive. Your family does not act as a proxy through which all your decisions can be made and which your life revolves around for its entirety. You Are The Sole Arbiter Of Your Destiny. And the only thing which separates you from a snail is that gray area between your ears. A snail has no control over its destiny: it only knows pleasure and pain. Turn off your reason, and you are a snail. Yet this is what society teaches us. Accept valid, unsound arguments because it doesn't matter if your FACTS are correct, it only matters whether your FAITH in what you BELIEVE is right, but which you have no PROOF for, is strong. Kill those Muslims, boys, because they are all Anti-American, and they don't believe in the Bible, apple pie, Chevy, and the American way of life. Murder those infidels, sons of Allah, because they are corrupted by greed and sin, immersed in a consumerism culture, and have no faith in anything anymore. CAN WE PLEASE JUST FUCKING GROW UP AND STOP JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS? For the love of all things holy, it's like we give two children blindfolds to block their sight and bats with spikes, put them in a confined room, and tell them to start swinging. It's asinine and ridiculous.

And it manifests itself here in America as well. I used to despise Colbert and Jon Stewart because, being raised uber-conservative, I found them to be "destroying the American way of life". Now that I am all grown up into a real boy, however, I realize... they are simply pointing out all the stupid ass decisions the people in this country make hour to hour. And, disorganized as I sound over here, passionate as I may be, I do have a point: we need to pull our heads out of our asses.

I am a soldier in the United States Army. I joined to serve this country and protect the citizens of the United States and the Constitution. I swore to uphold the law and to obey the orders of the officers appointed over me. And no matter how stupid and foolish those orders get, as long as they are not unlawful and immoral, I will follow them. I do this for a reason. My premise is this: if I do not serve in these positions, a person of questionable character may and most likely shall serve in such a position, and possibly allow the people and country I love to come to harm. I cannot allow such a catastrophic failure of responsibility. Because I have a mind, because I can use my reason, I must (for now) serve the people of the United States. But in order for this to work, it must go both ways. PEOPLE NEED TO START THINKING. People need to stop operating on false premises and take a look at why they behave the way they do. I get that y'all have differences of opinion. I get that most everyone has different cultural, religious, and political backgrounds. However, there comes a point when the positive and negative forces of this universe become absolute. One cannot escape death. One cannot ignore reality and evade destruction. Destruction is the effect of ignorance. The laws of physics and reality cannot, in fact, be ignored. You can immerse yourself in whatever virtual world you like, you can live off liquid food and hide yourself away from the world... but you still have a body. You still need oxygen. You can still be killed. Seem intensely off subject? Think about it. When you get good grades in school, have a good home life, work hard for what you get, then thank God or Allah or the government for providing you with the opportunity to allow you to do these things... aren't you evading reality? Aren't you ignoring the ever present reality in which You Accomplished What You Set Out To Achieve?

I'm not saying God is not real. I am not discounting or disproving anything because I CANNOT. I have no evidence. I have no premise on the subject of God. I know the Universe exists. I know there are things in this Universe I cannot yet explain. I BELIEVE that a Supreme Being of some sort created the Universe and dictates its rules. But, and this is the most important part of this rant...


My belief in the existence of a Supreme Being, which I call God, does not have any bearing whatsoever on my views about human behavior, my desires for my own life, or my interaction with any other human being. I cannot, and will never, to ANY degree, ask another person to believe what I believe simply because my belief exists. 


My only way to convince another person that I am right is through reason. Extrapolate the above statement to any degree, substitute your own facts and circumstances and then use it as the baseline, and you will discover that people everywhere, to some degree, ask/demand/intimidate/persuade/seduce others to believe what they believe simply because their belief exists. And this throws sound arguments right out the window and into the rain to die. When we operate on these types of emotions, we can no longer behave as sensible human beings, because we are no longer using sense. And, in a world in which a falling object will hit you if you stand in it's path, if you decide to ignore that falling object, ignore logic and reason, and believe that everything will be okay just because you want it to be, then you are in for a big surprise when that object hits you directly in the head an knocks you unconscious.

...

Okay, Eric, breathe a second.

...

My final point in all this is I am tired of human beings running around this planet, operating on emotion and not reason, giving in to passions simply because their society tells them to, and treating other human beings as less than such because they believe that they are right simply because they believe it. It is circular, it is destructive, and it is so prevalent now that it is almost impossible to determine which causes in this world are just and which are not unless you sit down and draw out an engineering schematic leading back to every decision a person has made in their life. We have reason for a Reason. It is there, it is a tool, it is the only tool which we can use which will allow us to interpret the world. We use our five senses to receive data; we interpret said data; we break it down into valid and invalid data; we break it further down into sound and unsound data; and we act on the sound data and discount the unsound data. To do otherwise is, by its original definition, insanity.

And I am now exhausted.

Because I Cannot Truly Live Without It

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item



And I do not just mean that in a biological sense. I love my mind, I love reason, and I treasure my mind above all things.

Double Blog (Had No Interwebz Last Night)

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory


Yes, yes... I know, it's cheesy, it's dumb, it's cliche. I. Do. Not. Care. The day LW and I got married... It was wonderful, as in Full Of Wonder. As I have said before, I am not much for being single. I don't enjoy spending nights alone with myself unless I am doing serious introspection ( and I do that all the time). But even for me, getting married was a big step. It is something that is pure, wonderful and true. Most people say they cannot explain how they felt on the day that changed their life forever. I can. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever known... To truly love someone and know you are loved truly enough back to spend the rest of the time you have in existence with that person. I don't tell Leah that nearly enough. She is the most amazing woman I have ever known. And the reason the day i got married was the best memory I have is Not because it was such a grand, wonderful day, a celebration of the end of my single life... It is because the day I was wed to my lovely wife was the Start of my true life, the start of every great memory I will ever have because I have the privilege to spend it with her. There is a lot more I have to say on the subject... but a) it is late and b) I want to say it only to her ;) No offense, y'all, but romance letters are not something I will blog.



Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Yes. Myself. Because I am awesome. I have never felt jealous or desirous of trading places with people. This is my life to live and I intend to live it as myself. Now, I have Always wanted to achieve the greatness I have seen in others. But I always wanted to be the one who achieved that greatness. So... who would I trade places with on any given day? Future me. Because I know future me will be even more awesome than I am now. ... Which is why I have a tinfoil hat on in this picture, because I know future me is trying to read my thoughts and I don't want him to do that.

Me, Myself, and I.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

It's true, isn't it? After all, I can honestly say of all the people in my life I have known myself the longest...

You know, until I read Atlas Shrugged, I thought I was the only person who valued my own self interest above all else. I thought people Should behave that way, but I had never really took time to think about other people in that way. To me, people just floated along like ghosts in a house, without a care or a worry... I always wondered how they did it. How people looked so casual about life. I thought they must be privy to some secret that I had no idea about; some hidden power they had to be self confident. As I got older, I realized... people don't think that much. Many do think, but the vast majority just do that: float along. Of course, I don't associate with any such people, but the older I get, the more I realize how important it is to know myself and know my own values and desires. I place it above all else. Which is why I don't feel like a weirdo photoshopping two pictures of myself together. I may not be perfect... I may be out of shape at the moment and have some issues... but for the most part I love myself. And I think that is the most important thing in this life. 

I Am Not A Gamer.

Seriously, I am not. I know my Lovely Wife (from here on in referred to as LW forever, not just because those are her initials, but because she insists on referring to me as Dear Husband or DH all the time on her blog) believes I am, but I do not fit in to the gamer culture. For one, I feel more at home with a book in my hand than a keyboard under my fingertips. B, you need a whole heckuva lot of time to devote to gaming if you want to be even a semi-pro gamer (more on that in a second for those of you who have no idea what it means to be a gamer). And finally, I just don't have the stamina. I mean, I like to play games as much as a lot of people my generation. However, I cannot spend hours and hours and hours with my fingers on WASD and a mouse, clicking and clicking away. Again, LW thinks I can, but the time I spend on games compared to other people is like the ratio of a penny to $10,000. Not even close.

I do, however, like to game. Yes, yes, Ha Ha, He's a Neeeerrrrdddddd. He likes to play with dragons and swords and magic and all that stuff!! He he he!!! :| The reality is, I just like to immerse myself in something which is not my actual life to pass some free time some days. Lately, that has been most days (I blame New York). It's fun, it's relaxing (until it gets frustrating because you have died lots of times and the world seems like you do nothing but run back and forth all the time), and it lets my brain do something it does not like to do: not think. When I am in a game, I am entrenched in the story. Get the same way about books. ... Yes, I know, I have a book buying problem as well, don't you think Eric that you may see some patterns developing here?? Maybe. But books and video games are amusing :) That is why humans created them.

I have to thank Mark for introducing me to gaming. Before him, all I ever did was play console games. Very, very big difference between console gamers and PC gamers. Basically, consolers are like your hometown pewee farm team... PC gamers are like the Yankees. Here, better analogy:

                                                               







Console Gamer

PC Gamer

Anyway, Mark introduced me to PC gaming. More specifically, to Anarchy Online. Basically, it is an MMO based in space and you get to run around and do cool stuff. It's old (it was pretty much the first MMO of real note), it's graphics are still outdated, and it is not like all the new games where they slap you in the face... but if you like technical things, like counting numbers and really creating a character... this one if for you.

After a while I did not really have time for games... until I found Star Wars: The Old Republic. ... Sadly, I cannot post pictures. Still too soon. *tears* I love Star Wars. Have I mentioned I love Star Wars?

Then I found Fallout 3:

Which, let me tell you, is FREAKING AWESOME. Especially if you like to go around and kill stuff. I don't like linear games so much, where there is only one story to tell... I like games that give me some freedom and feel like a kid in a sandbox again.







Speaking of sandbox....




But that is a whole other story for a whole other day.

Anyway. Fallout 3, Fallout: New Vegas are both set in a timeline where the earth has gone through nuclear war, and you are a lone dude running around killing people (btw, Fallout 3 > Fallout New Vegas. Storyline is much more in depth).

(some New Vegas shots)

We originally bought New Vegas for our XBox... Come to find out, LW does not approve of games that do not have alieeums.




Understandable, I suppose. But I like games which are interesting. Which is, finally, why I play SKYRIM.

I did not like Oblivion... On Console. But now I think once I finish Skyrim, I need to find Oblivion on PC because I have to tell you I really enjoy it. Is it not amazing what human beings can create in their own heads? A bunch of nerds got together and created a simulated world where you fight dragons and do all this crazy stuff... It is soooo much fun. Kind of addicting. LW says I spend wayyy too much time on it and not enough cuddling. I'm working on it, okay? Stressful moving-period-life-changing-times call for mindless zombie Eric.


But anyways. Yeah, that's me on gaming.

Also also... this guy is way too into gaming.

I Have Returned... Sort Of.

*Que AC/DC Back In Black*

Ah, to write. I've missed it. Unfortunately, the Army is not condusive to writing anything besides Powerpoints which make you want to point a powerful weapon at your head and go KA-BLAM-O. But, I have decided it is time to pick up the pen (keyboard? you can't really pick up a laptop keyboard by itself) and start writing again.

Of course, you never really stop writing. Not if you are a die-hard amateur author. It's always in my head, swimming around like my beta fish (who is soon not to be my fish... Poor Vurgdar Amadaeus Mozart Wrightson II!! But I will get to that in a minute). Sometimes, it's just an image, a flash of a scene:
-a blazing gun battle on a beach between men with sunglasses
-a lonely man in tattered, dirty clothes, jumping off a floating city, trying to save the world
-the hollowed eyes of a captive, alone in the dark, begging for mercy from a dominating shadow
-a woman, gasping for breath in ecstasy, watching the world go to hell behind her eyes while she fights for her daughter
-groups of armies on an endless desert, all struck dumb by the sight of an alien spaceship

And so many other things. It's really impossible to list them all, and almost none of them make sense. Mostly because my life makes no sense. When you live in the land of hurry-up-and-wait, you find yourself with a lot of time on your hands to try and piece together half-formed thoughts and vague notions into a coherent collection of exotic tales. What you end up with is mostly just notes on how society doesn't understand where in the blue blazes of everything unholy it is going and really just how much you wish you could get paid for being asleep. But I digress.

The major reason I have started to write again is not because Leah told me to do so (Who is that? Get to that in a second ;) just go with it). It is because I want to be productive again.

Let me back up a second. My last "real" blog post was more than a year ago (To All My Friends). It was near the end of my tour in Afghanistan, and it still remains mostly true to this day. I had a lot of frustration towards the people in my life, and I was attempting to express it.

Things didn't work out very well. Suffice it to say I have come to a very strange place in my life. I don't know exactly where I want to go, but I happen to know exactly where I am going. I don't know exactly what I want, but I have a clearer understanding of what others want from me than I ever have before (and it means less to me now what others want from me than it ever has). I am living in a world which has betrayed its very fundamental principles but I strive every day to solidify and cement my own understanding of mine. I feel a great deal of aimless anger at something which I cannot define.

Anyone reading that may attribute it to adolescent angst, growing pains, or any number of things. I have to argue it is different... One who feels older than one is does not feel as though one needs to grow up any more than one already has, to borrow from The Zen Master. But, alas, it is probably true: I am simply going through a period of change. I don't know if it is better to "knuckle under" and just go with it or fight it with every fiber of my being and try to control the change... but I have given up and just decided to go with the flow. *small bow to the Universe*

Anyway.

Where was I? Oh, yes, events of the past year. Let's make a list, shall we!!
-March 2011: returned from Afghanistan to Fort Drum.
-April 2011: Went on leave, saw my girlfriend for the first time ever as my girlfriend In Person (I know, those crazy 21st century kids, they get together in the strangest ways), fell madly, madly in love with her, and  basically knew I was going to marry her from the moment I saw her/kissed her (that was basically the same moment btw). Also hung out with family and returned friends.
-May - July 2011: found out I "changed", that I "wasn't who I used to be", and that a lot of things in my life were just "wrong". Rebelled against that, saying HELL TO THE NO, and got along for a bit. Lived with a great guy who is training to be a super spy. Discovered massively multiplayer online games, what loneliness truly means, and cleared up a lot of past regrets. Had a few crazy encounters and put a large part of my past behind me.
-August 2011: Finally got promoted to Specialist. Ah, such a beautiful day. Doesn't seem like much to some but... Damn, worked hard for that promotion.

And here is where we stop the list, because around this time in my wacky life, things got all turned around and crazy. See, here's the lowdown.

... *deep breath*

I have Never Ever Ever liked being alone single. I do not like it Sam I Am, I do not like it at all. I am the kind of person who needs a steady, devoted partner in my life. I have always idealized that person. However, I truly found her in my best friend, Leah. And it is not at all as I expected it to be. I knew it from the moment our lips touched after I got back from Afghanistan that I want to spend the rest of my insane, stressful, more-often-than-not-pain-inducing life with her, and whatever comes after. I am not going to write a love story here (that is reserved for her and her alone, as I find love letters to be highly romantic) but I will just say I have never truly been happier. She was in Oklahoma at the time and I convinced her to drive 14 hours, 2 days in a row (as she always insists on reminding me) to get her sassy butt up here and Marry Me :D


(That's me... right there... Goofy guy with the mustache... And that is my lovely, beautiful wife right there next to me... See how AWESOME I am, brushing her hair behind her ear?!?! :D)

We got married on September 20th, and ever since then... My life has become even more crazy. In the absolute best way possible. I will leave it to another blog post to explain the craziness of marriage (I guarantee I will have a lifetime of them) but for now... Leah, my love, you make everything in my life better. Simple as that.

....

Unfortunately, not everything in life can be sweet. I have had many downs, many bad things, and continuing tribulations in my life, even after marriage. As of right now, I don't have a clue where I stand with people I have been close to all my life, and members of my family to this day regret my decision to get married. But let me explain this to all my readers: if you feel something is right and true and justice, with a full understanding of its logic and implications, you go ahead and you do it. And you damn into the lowest depths of whatever hell there is anyone who tells you that you should do otherwise. Life is too goddamned short to live for other people or to take things for granted. Never live for another being's purpose, on another being's dime, for another being's profit. It will just eat away at you and consume you, until you are nothing but a shell of your own guilt.

Luckily, I have endured and not looked back at the bad things as much as I used to do. And now, the real reason for this blog post: to say hello again, to catalogue some events of my life, and to record the next great adventure in my life: Monterey, CA and Defense Language Institute. That's right, lasses and gents... I'm movin' on! Getting out of COLD Fort Drum, NY and going to sunnier skies :D

I don't know what awaits me in California. I know that I have an epic road trip ahead of me, that I will be with the woman I love, and that I will continue to live by my own purpose and judgment. And in spite of everything else.... I will be happy.

Aaaaand it is now 0125 in the AM. And I still have 5 days of work so I should probably sleep. Hasta luego.