A Cup Of Cocoa, Some Disjointed Thoughts

Fallout 3 just simply is not working at this particular moment in time. Something about running through wastelands killing people is just... not cheering me up.

Which is strange, because it almost always does.

What does that say about me? I enjoy playing video games, all alone, wandering through wastelands or forests or cities and using weapons to kill the bad guys... And that is almost always the tack I take. I almost never play the bad guy. It just isn't in me. I can make the ambiguous decisions to get me ahead in the game, sure, but for some reason my morals always win out.

Even when I don't want them to do so.

Damn, this hot chocolate is good.

Watching reality television makes me want to run through the streets, screaming how awesome I am. These people literally make me sick.

I should be writing my book. Maybe this will do.

I've had a twitch in my eye for over a month and a half. I think it's connected with me being in the army, still. I want desperately to be out of limbo.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my service. I understand the sacrifice I made, how important it was, how I saved lives, how it made me stronger as a person, etc. It's not that. It's just... I have felt for some time that it is time to move on and see better things.

Images in my world have a strong tinge of gray right now (ha, unfortunately, that horrendous book has spoiled even the suggestion of that color), and it should not be that way. I am young, 22 years old, vibrant... I should *feel* much more than I do now. Yet, I feel... disconnected.

Is it due to my weight?

Is it due to my position?

A friend of mine told me to get in touch with my feelings and write about them. Is it just because I have not done so?

Whenever I try to actually get in touch, I tend to psych myself out. And give myself dialogues such as this. I feel as though I am sitting in an empty auditorium right now, and you all reading this aren't actually there. I'm just talking to myself. Which, granted, in the past has been effective.

Also, how do you fail high school? Seriously. How do you get anything below a C? You really have to try to do it, and that one would make the effort to do so boggles my mind.

Anyway, back to the point.

There are just so many things I want to do. I've tried listing them out, but it then just seems overwhelming. It's exhausting, really. I've spent years (literally, years) battling inner demons, trying to change not only the world around me, but the world inside. And for what? For the realization that objectivity is my most powerful tool...

Back up. Maybe it is that, right there.

I do feel disconnected, disjointed, just like this post. But maybe the reason for it is because... I finally found my answers. And now, without a reason to constantly battle things inside, I have simply grown stagnant...

A week is not long enough to change the minds of people, folks. It really is not. Whether it is a week for screw up kids, or two weeks for an entire family, people don't change overnight.

That relates to all this as well.

Leah's hair looks really good purple.

I keep wanting to develop a symphony, smooth and concise, but all I can wrestle from my mangled mind are a few screaming notes, flying desperately into the night, looking for an ear to fall on where they will strike a chord in the heart of someone who understands.

Wouldn't living in ignorance only be bliss up until the point where you realized there was more to the world than your backyard?

Or maybe that is why they live there? Because they can't see beyond their nose?

I'm great at solving problems, but distract myself from my own. Why?

This is a pretty good picture of how my mind is right now.

My wife is eating a lemon. And craving chalk. This baby is going to be so weird.