My Daily Session

Tell me about what you're thinking, Eric.
I've been wondering as of late why I don't have a novel to my name. My good friend Chester has, in the past, urged me to write my story and get it out there in the world.

I've been stymied. I've had a couple ideas, but I'm not happy with them. I'm not exactly sure why.

I think a large part of the reason is that I am still way out of shape and overweight. Yeah, granted, I have knee pain (and it has been hurting more lately) but I really don't have an excuse anymore. I'm mostly healed. My body doesn't remember how to move, but that should not stop me. I weigh about 300 pounds, just a little over. And that's more than I have ever been. I've ate, drank, and been merry like a man who is not injured, and ignored the depths of my psyche. I've pushed it to the back of my subconscious, like a tiny box tucked away in a closet.

They say your body reflects your state of mind. That's kind of how I feel mentally. Bloated, lazy, not quite... ready yet.

Is it an excuse to say that I'm just waiting? Waiting until I get out of the army? Or have I developed a habit of waiting? Have I just used external factors as an excuse?

I'm not entirely sure. It's a hard poker hand to play. But, after I get out, I don't think I can afford to be lazy anymore.

But the weight isn't entirely it. Overweight I may be, but there's more to the story. One does not gain this much weight, exhibit the symptoms I have, and be just fine on the inside.

Funny how one can be so clear and yet so distorted. Like looking in a pool and seeing the bottom clearly but reaching down to grab a penny and it's not where you expected to be. I feel like I've been in a smoky room with a blindfold, and I have been trying to find a switch which I know is there but cannot find my way towards in the dark.

Not fun times, to be honest.

...

Some days, I feel like I am back at the start point. I feel like it is almost four years ago, and I don't know which way is up. I'm going to have to start over again, to keep breathing, keep moving.

But the emotion, that raw, deep seated unease is not there anymore. Somehow, along the road traveled these past years, I have gained... confidence? Self assurance?

Maybe I just got older. Realized I don't know everything there is to know in the universe. A hat tip to you, Captain, for setting me straight back then.

It all comes to bear.

I've come this far, and I am here for a reason. I must be. Life, existence, the very fabric of our universe, it rings with reason. Creator or no creator, angels or demons, simple math or spontaneous miracles, one cannot look at this and see it not having purpose. The decisions made, the situations survived, everything has led me to a point.

I have 6 days left in the army. I weigh 300+lbs. I have a baby on the way, and a wife who needs my support. I have to move cross country to a place I don't know and attempt to build a life at 22 years old.

Tell me, Eric, what are the emotions running through your soul at this moment?
Well, naturally, there is anxiety. Frustration. A certain amount of loss has me trapped; leaving the organization which has been my entire life for four years is no simple task. Hope, mingled with trepidation.

A very large amount of peace.

Maybe deep down somewhere there is some fear. But it's not very apparent to me. After being rocketed and shot at, after living with as much fear as I have the past four years... I have grown tired of fear. It doesn't work well for me anymore. Everyone feels fear, everyone experiences it, but I don't feel I have anything to fear from this situation.

Explain that.
Well... What is there to fear? That I won't be able to pay the bills? That I'll be shot on the street? That I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if I have made the right decisions?

I spend my entire life worrying about those things. They are constantly on my mind. You can't grow up and not worry about them; it's part of losing the innocence of childhood. You come to realize the world isn't made of blown sugar and marshmallows, but of cold mornings in the rain waiting for taxis to places you don't want to be and uncomfortable chairs in foul-smelling lecture halls, listening to briefings about how not to kill yourself. Endless parades of routine and inner demons, all the while just trying to find a bright ray of sunshine.

But it's also filled with the sun. And love. And laughter and wonder and hope. So why, on the eve of the most event-filled and biggest transition of my life, should I be afraid? Why, when I am getting my soul and my own life back, and really owning it for the first time in almost five years, should I be frightened?

Some would say that's one of the biggest reasons to be frightened. This is a very big change for you. Aren't you the least bit concerned that you might not make it?
...

 Aren't you?
Give me a moment, I have to think about that.

...
Well, no. Because I only have two options, don't I?

Which are?
I live and I do what I want to do with my life. I set out to achieve goals; succeed or fail, I live to do it.

Or I die.

And if I die, I don't have too much to be concerned about, do I?

That's a rather fatalist attitude.
Why shouldn't I have that? Haven't I been around enough life and death? Hasn't everyone?

I'm not judging, just stating. But being a fatalist is, forgive me, a cop-out in this situation. You have many more options here than live or die. Using that as your determiner is not exactly stable.
So what's your point?

My point is you have to admit to what you are feeling. There is a reason why you feel stymied, a reason why you feel anxious, a reason why you haven't written your novel. And that reason is...?
Fear.
Of what?
Of failure.
Aha. So I was right.
I guess.
So why couldn't you admit that to yourself a moment ago?
Because that would mean admitting that what I fear most isn't death or dying or my loved ones dying. It's admitting that what I fear the most is not living up to the ideals I want, the things I wish and hope for, and the very nature if what I feel I am inside. It would mean admitting the possibility that this string of failures I have had will continue.

It would mean really admitting I don't like where I am with my life, and admitting the possibility it could continue.

Eric, you've just admitted that to yourself.
I know.
Does that make you feel better?
No.
Why?
Because it's still an unknown. I simply do not have the relevant data. Until the 28th, when I arrive at my destination, I won't know whether I can begin to be a success or a failure. I won't know what to do until I have grasped the situation fully. So, for now, the only thing I can do is wait.
Will you obsess over what is to come?
No. But I won't be at ease with my situation. I won't be able to write or exercise or even really think about it.
Why?
Because if there is one thing the army taught me, it's that no plan survives first contact. Everything up to this point has been preparing for this move, for this shift in my life. Until that actually begins, I'm... stalled.
Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Yes. But it's who I am right now. It still feels as though the army is going to keep me, to deny me my freedom. Until I am in Oklahoma, I can't be sure there won't be a catastrophe. I can't know for sure.
Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
Yes.
...
But it is where I am. It's why I don't have a novel, why I am overweight. It's why I wake up sweating, suffocated some nights. Everything I have is on the line. And until it is a reality, until I am in that other guy, in that car, driving away from the army, and headed to a new life... I'm still just this guy, waiting to be released.
I hope that guy will be more hopeful.
I hope that guy achieves his dreams.
I really hope he doesn't give in to the fears this guy sitting here has and approaches life with a better outlook. I hope he doesn't regret the things this guy has done and moves on with his life.
I hope he finds as much peace as this guy has with everything in his life, and finds even more peace, and embraces life. I hope he wakes up each day wishing for better adventures.
I hope he sleeps soundly at night, knowing that his life is his to risk, that his choices are the ones that will effect the outcomes in his life.
I hope that he always loves his wife and family as much as this guy does.
And I really hope he gets it, and lives life on his terms.
...
I guess we will see, won't we?