It's Been Too Long, And I'm Tired

It's been 6 months since I posted a blog.

Really, it's been 6 months since I've written anything larger than a classroom activity.

What to say? After the walkout, I graduated. I tried like hell just to get through the summer, which mostly involved trying desperately to ration out the little money we had saved while trying to find a job that would allow us to eat, even though I technically already had a job in the fall.

Damn, this last summer sucked.

My kids are growing, like weeds. Every day is a new struggle. I've thought, in small moments throughout the day, about writing a blog about one of the momentous days here at my new school: the first day, the first month, the first quarter. The first time I gave detention. The first time I saw a student learning what I taught them.

I don't really know why I chose this insane profession. I mean, my entire job basically consists of sitting in 5 separate rooms (or even 6 if I have to cover for another teacher) and convincing a bunch of children that what I have to say is important and that they should pay attention. Granted, I don't lecture a lot, so that cuts down on the frustration, and the workload, but I feel simultaneously like a parent, a preacher, and a circus conductor.

It's a life. I think I love it, most days.

I'm putting grad school on hold. I'm not ready for it yet. River says to stay somewhere for a while, and I've been mulling that over constantly for the last few days. I haven't stayed in one particular place or mind-setting since I was 16 years old. I have been, more or less, on the go for my entire adult life, constantly looking at the next thing, searching for the bigger opportunity.

On the plus side, being a travelling teacher (yeah, my school doesn't have enough room for me this year) has allowed me to walk a lot, so I feel better than I have in years, even on the nights when I eat too much.

I'm happy.

I'm not over-the-moon, young love, every breath is a miracle happy. I desperately want to see my kids more, I have problems at work. The small, insignificant amount of bugs in my house, which is (everyone assures me) perfectly natural to have in a house in Oklahoma, keeps me up at night. The corners of my brain feel like an attic which haven't been cleaned in years because the highways and common routes are constantly in motion. But overall, every night I go to bed and am easily able to sleep because I'm doing what I love, surrounded by people I love, and trying to take it easy.

But there's still an emptiness, made up of the things I haven't achieved that I want to. I hope my children never know what it's like to regret wasting time, but my brain says that everyone knows what that's like, even if my heart doesn't. I want to write. More broadly, I want to create. Hank and John Green have been massive inspirations to me in the last year, and this video says almost exactly what I feel on the subject of my writing, except that I haven't done what Hank has done. I have created very little. A few scattered poems, a handful of blog posts... The most I've ever written in one go is, what 50 pages, with sustained, constant effort?

It doesn't come naturally to me to think about my creation as something I need to make time for. I am constantly imagining far off lands, interesting and thrilling scenarios, the what-ifs and whys that would make great plots or scenes. I love fiction, and I read more of it than I should, but lately (and by lately I mean the past 5 years or so) I find myself with the taste of sand in my mouth when I go to read something new, because there's a tiny voice in the back of my head saying why haven't you done this yet?

Except lately it's more like
Why haven't you done this yet?!
But by the end of the day, after making it home, My Brain and My Actions become separated, disjointed. I know I should be staying up till odd hours, ignoring everything and burying myself in the craft. But...

It's just so much damn work, on top of everything else I'm doing.

I don't know.

Time to move on to the next activity. More on this later?