Late Night Thoughts

Do you ever feel like you're holding your breath, waiting for something to happen? But either things just keep happening... or nothing really happens? Or both?

I feel like I've been waiting for something. Like I had some date with destiny that was supposed to happen. Like 2012 was supposed to destroy the world... but it didn't, and now I just have to continue.

I don't know. Sometimes, it feels like I can feel the world spinning under my feet, and other times I can't focus on a single thing besides the pain in my left eye or some other such thing.

To be clear, it isn't a bad thing. Feeling this way. It's just a feeling of being held in suspense, waiting for the action.  Maybe subconsciously my mind never came back and I'm just waiting to be called back to formation, but I doubt it.

Although I do dream about the army.

It's fleeting, this feeling. I can't determine when it will strike me. Just like I can't determine when I'm driving and the cars will feel too slow or too fast and the vertigo hits and my mind blackens and it takes every fiber of my being just to grip the wheel. It's strange, because in those moments, I feel the most alive, the most in touch with whatever is out there in the universe, pulling at the puppet strings. But then the moment passes, and it's like the echo of a gong in my head. Hollow. Fading. Until eventually my mind latches on to something that I need to do that day, and I forget all about this feeling.

I used to feel it most when I laid down to sleep. And I thought that the older I got, the more trouble I would have sleeping, but it's the opposite. I sleep better now than I ever have, or at least my mind rests better.

When I was younger, I used to think that I had some disorder, because it felt like I was constantly at war with myself. And I realize that there are people out there for whom that never goes away, who actually do have clinical disorders and imbalances of brain chemistry, and my struggle will never compare to theirs, but reaching this point... a point where it feels like I have what I need about myself figured out... I feel like one of those mythical heroes who misses the battle so much that he creates an enemy just to have the excuse to go hunting again.

I guess I just have to remind myself that, in lieu of catastrophe, I can stand down.

The crisis is over.

Shut down the watchtowers, boys.

...

But I don't think I will ever be able to do that.