I Have Returned... Sort Of.

*Que AC/DC Back In Black*

Ah, to write. I've missed it. Unfortunately, the Army is not condusive to writing anything besides Powerpoints which make you want to point a powerful weapon at your head and go KA-BLAM-O. But, I have decided it is time to pick up the pen (keyboard? you can't really pick up a laptop keyboard by itself) and start writing again.

Of course, you never really stop writing. Not if you are a die-hard amateur author. It's always in my head, swimming around like my beta fish (who is soon not to be my fish... Poor Vurgdar Amadaeus Mozart Wrightson II!! But I will get to that in a minute). Sometimes, it's just an image, a flash of a scene:
-a blazing gun battle on a beach between men with sunglasses
-a lonely man in tattered, dirty clothes, jumping off a floating city, trying to save the world
-the hollowed eyes of a captive, alone in the dark, begging for mercy from a dominating shadow
-a woman, gasping for breath in ecstasy, watching the world go to hell behind her eyes while she fights for her daughter
-groups of armies on an endless desert, all struck dumb by the sight of an alien spaceship

And so many other things. It's really impossible to list them all, and almost none of them make sense. Mostly because my life makes no sense. When you live in the land of hurry-up-and-wait, you find yourself with a lot of time on your hands to try and piece together half-formed thoughts and vague notions into a coherent collection of exotic tales. What you end up with is mostly just notes on how society doesn't understand where in the blue blazes of everything unholy it is going and really just how much you wish you could get paid for being asleep. But I digress.

The major reason I have started to write again is not because Leah told me to do so (Who is that? Get to that in a second ;) just go with it). It is because I want to be productive again.

Let me back up a second. My last "real" blog post was more than a year ago (To All My Friends). It was near the end of my tour in Afghanistan, and it still remains mostly true to this day. I had a lot of frustration towards the people in my life, and I was attempting to express it.

Things didn't work out very well. Suffice it to say I have come to a very strange place in my life. I don't know exactly where I want to go, but I happen to know exactly where I am going. I don't know exactly what I want, but I have a clearer understanding of what others want from me than I ever have before (and it means less to me now what others want from me than it ever has). I am living in a world which has betrayed its very fundamental principles but I strive every day to solidify and cement my own understanding of mine. I feel a great deal of aimless anger at something which I cannot define.

Anyone reading that may attribute it to adolescent angst, growing pains, or any number of things. I have to argue it is different... One who feels older than one is does not feel as though one needs to grow up any more than one already has, to borrow from The Zen Master. But, alas, it is probably true: I am simply going through a period of change. I don't know if it is better to "knuckle under" and just go with it or fight it with every fiber of my being and try to control the change... but I have given up and just decided to go with the flow. *small bow to the Universe*

Anyway.

Where was I? Oh, yes, events of the past year. Let's make a list, shall we!!
-March 2011: returned from Afghanistan to Fort Drum.
-April 2011: Went on leave, saw my girlfriend for the first time ever as my girlfriend In Person (I know, those crazy 21st century kids, they get together in the strangest ways), fell madly, madly in love with her, and  basically knew I was going to marry her from the moment I saw her/kissed her (that was basically the same moment btw). Also hung out with family and returned friends.
-May - July 2011: found out I "changed", that I "wasn't who I used to be", and that a lot of things in my life were just "wrong". Rebelled against that, saying HELL TO THE NO, and got along for a bit. Lived with a great guy who is training to be a super spy. Discovered massively multiplayer online games, what loneliness truly means, and cleared up a lot of past regrets. Had a few crazy encounters and put a large part of my past behind me.
-August 2011: Finally got promoted to Specialist. Ah, such a beautiful day. Doesn't seem like much to some but... Damn, worked hard for that promotion.

And here is where we stop the list, because around this time in my wacky life, things got all turned around and crazy. See, here's the lowdown.

... *deep breath*

I have Never Ever Ever liked being alone single. I do not like it Sam I Am, I do not like it at all. I am the kind of person who needs a steady, devoted partner in my life. I have always idealized that person. However, I truly found her in my best friend, Leah. And it is not at all as I expected it to be. I knew it from the moment our lips touched after I got back from Afghanistan that I want to spend the rest of my insane, stressful, more-often-than-not-pain-inducing life with her, and whatever comes after. I am not going to write a love story here (that is reserved for her and her alone, as I find love letters to be highly romantic) but I will just say I have never truly been happier. She was in Oklahoma at the time and I convinced her to drive 14 hours, 2 days in a row (as she always insists on reminding me) to get her sassy butt up here and Marry Me :D


(That's me... right there... Goofy guy with the mustache... And that is my lovely, beautiful wife right there next to me... See how AWESOME I am, brushing her hair behind her ear?!?! :D)

We got married on September 20th, and ever since then... My life has become even more crazy. In the absolute best way possible. I will leave it to another blog post to explain the craziness of marriage (I guarantee I will have a lifetime of them) but for now... Leah, my love, you make everything in my life better. Simple as that.

....

Unfortunately, not everything in life can be sweet. I have had many downs, many bad things, and continuing tribulations in my life, even after marriage. As of right now, I don't have a clue where I stand with people I have been close to all my life, and members of my family to this day regret my decision to get married. But let me explain this to all my readers: if you feel something is right and true and justice, with a full understanding of its logic and implications, you go ahead and you do it. And you damn into the lowest depths of whatever hell there is anyone who tells you that you should do otherwise. Life is too goddamned short to live for other people or to take things for granted. Never live for another being's purpose, on another being's dime, for another being's profit. It will just eat away at you and consume you, until you are nothing but a shell of your own guilt.

Luckily, I have endured and not looked back at the bad things as much as I used to do. And now, the real reason for this blog post: to say hello again, to catalogue some events of my life, and to record the next great adventure in my life: Monterey, CA and Defense Language Institute. That's right, lasses and gents... I'm movin' on! Getting out of COLD Fort Drum, NY and going to sunnier skies :D

I don't know what awaits me in California. I know that I have an epic road trip ahead of me, that I will be with the woman I love, and that I will continue to live by my own purpose and judgment. And in spite of everything else.... I will be happy.

Aaaaand it is now 0125 in the AM. And I still have 5 days of work so I should probably sleep. Hasta luego.